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My most scandalous (in urgent care), a woman came in for "vaginally swelling" X that morning (it was roughly 3 pm when she came in to be seen). So exterior GU exam is pretty normal, so I begin the speculum exam. I get the spec about half way in and I go, "there appears to be a hot pink foreign object in your vaginally canal".

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I had a patient who took an empty milk carton, rolled it up like a straw and pushed it into his bladder. How, I don’t know, but he did. I get lots of jail bendy ink pens stuck in the penis and some that end up in the bladder. Most of mine are psych issues or purely behavioral folks who want a free trip to the ER. Love it when I actually luck up and can see it and get it out.

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I almost choked on a cherry (not a euphemism) laughing at this. That’s just a lot of effort, wow. Now I’m thinking I should launch a safety line for all those objects one can stick up their anus. And now I’m thinking about liability, nope, I’m out.

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The old farmer looks out wistfully, as if he’d never thought of the question before. The hint of a smile dawns on his cracked face, as he thinks about the turnip, lying in the dust, it’s shapely curves inviting him.

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Because they’re afraid of buying the non-random things specifically designed for that purpose. The people who engage in safe anal play aren’t showing up to the ED. It’s the ones who are ashamed of it that do because, like teenagers who get pregnant because they’re afraid to ask for birth control, when their libido goes head to head with their sense of internal shame about sex, the libido wins.

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Because it would somehow be bad and wrong to actually go to an adult toy store/get on the internet and order something safe to use for that sort of stimulation. Or they live with people who would not give them the privacy to own a sex toy without shaming them or otherwise giving them grief over it.

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My mother refused to vaccinate me for hepatitis because she insisted I would not use drugs or have unprotected sex. That’s a big assumption to make. I ended up catching up on the series for nursing school. That and meningococcal series and Tdap. I feel like it prepared me for this year for my COVID x3, influenza and pneumovax.

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